Staying alive

Few things running simultaneously through my head today, and in an attempt to jump start my body, ordered a glass of kopipeng xiu dai (iced milk coffee less sugar) with breakfast. 

Realizing on my way back home that I hadn't yet taken my meds meant a possibility of another tachycardic episode, I quickly popped the pills and then....got to thinking. I have been popping at least 1 pill at least once a day ever since I was 15 and diagnosed with idiopathic hypertension. 

It might seem an insignificant act, this daily ritual, people take vitamins all their life. Being depressed meant I had consciously remind myself that I'm lucky that these chronic ailments can be kept in check, and that I am far, far luckier than those who are worse off than I. However, on my lower days, the dirty horrible thoughts and comparisons creep in, and I resent having to deal with a mostly automatic and subconscious act of swallowing these pills. 

Depression does that to me. Minutes slow down to a crawl, every movement has to be calculated and weighed against how much will I have to complete an action. I do not understand why I have these episodes, and constantly struggle to use my rational brain (while it is still accessible) to keep it at manageable. There are situational episodes which are at least, sort of explicable, this last one probably had something to do with a friend's father's funeral, triggering plenty of doubts and insecurities about current family situations. I have spent the better of the past 4 weeks trying to get out of bed, failing most of the time. 

I can also attribute my mood swings to these terrible monthlies, which are worsening with time. The prescriptions to manage the adenomyosis pains, though working, reminds me of the other 'miracle' drugs which staved off insanity in my mid-20's. I have been thinking of getting back on some anxiolytics, anxiety being the more pervasive issue than depression. With depression, though the amplitudes, frequency and wavelengths have shortened somewhat (physics whaaaat), anxiety is this high pitch and consistent whine that never abates. 

The many many doctors I've seen for my heart/hypertension (and I) suspect it to be the root cause of my condition. However, in order to get to the anti-anxiety medication, it is mandatory that I go back to see a psychiatrist, and that I could do without. Well. Actually maybe it would help, but I honestly do not feel as if there are underlying issues which I cannot cope with, and that this is more of a chemical imbalance that I've had since childhood. 

In any case, I decided to journal this because there's so much going on in my head, and this is something that requires more lateral thought. I think it has helped, I feel a bit calmer now and can think a little clearer. I'm not quite debilitated by the anxiety, and feel relieved by the knowledge that medication is always an option, and have to remember not to paint myself into a corner.