Snowfern

I'm sitting here feeling a little numb, considering the amount of pain I've been in since being woken up by the left ovary at 5am. The past week has been really trying for most Singaporeans, but I didn't allow myself time to get too caught up as Ahma had been feeling unwell since last 21st March, which was the day after her 87th birthday. She was admitted to TTSH last Thursday, for a myocardial infarction aka heart attack, which wasn't what her major complaint was about, it was a severe back pain that was troubling her.

Since her admission, it was discovered that she had suffered perhaps a few minor heart attacks, a fractured spine, a urinary tract infection, and deteriorating kidney function issues. Now, for a spritely old lady of 87, who was, up till last weekend, ambulant, fiercely independent, and honestly, too feisty to handle at times, this must have been quite a tough blow. She now is dependent on nurses for her care, and although I have tried to pay her daily visits, my own condition has worsened and I haven't been able to see her since yesterday.

Dad, Aunt and youngest brother are taking over the visits, and it would seem that given her complications, although she isn't on her death bed *touch wood* she's ....definitely taken a turn for the worse. I guess I'm sitting down here steeped in guilt for not being able to help, because frankly, my major concern is whether I should take another dosage of painkillers. Being in constant, unabating pain means I have become less empathetic towards others. I guess it is what it is.

I don't think anybody in my family is prepared for this. I have never had anyone close to me pass away, or suffer for an extended period of time. Dad is so misguided it's almost funny, well, not to make light of the situation, but it's either laugh, or cry. Even Eva has refused to eat her food since Ahma has been admitted, so I've had to handfeed her. Maybe she just feels neglected, what with us taking turns to keep Ahma company. Or maybe, she really does miss Ahma's constant presence.

Me, I've kept busy, making printables, taking photos, making new stuff. It helps distract from the physical pain, and although I have only suffered 2 panic attacks (and quite a number of nightmares) since Thursday, I can tell that I'm not handling things well. My hands shake quite badly, hence my lack of clay/miniature making. 

I've delayed writing about this, because I dared not allow myself to feel, and I've allowed myself a few tears reading LKY's family tributes, especially those relating stories of his relationship with his wife, I think those tears are really projected ones from my true fears.

Am not ready to go there yet. Perhaps there is no need. Perhaps. *heavy sigh* Let's hope Ahma gets better soon, the house feels so quiet without her.

So! I have been fiddling with the DSLR and finally learnt how to use it -decently- well, well enough to post up new Youtube Videos!

Yaaayyy!!

They aren't exactly tutorial videos, but more of just...watching me work. Hence the series name, "Watch Me Work". For those who aren't very patient, this is NOT a video you should watch. There's no music, no commentary, and you can barely see anything I'm doing.

I'm selling it well aren't I.
Part 1:




Part 2:



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It has been a pretty busy few weeks. Ahma was admitted to hospital for observation as she had been feeling giddy and dizzy for a week, and for a while there was discussion over whether she would require a pacemaker fitted (she doesn't). She's 87, and still rather fit if not for her erratic and very worrisome high blood pressure. But she's recuperating rather quickly, which means I'm rushing to catch up with work.

This, coupled with a few tiffs with people whom I ordinarily would not get upset over, made me wonder if I have changed. I really feel different, and do not think it's necessarily due to the stressful situation that I bit back. Ordinarily, I let a lot of things slide, as I feel they're not worth my time feeling negative over. But lately, I just feel that this gives rise to a lot of misunderstandings, as people do not realize that yes, I -do- have a temper, and I certainly do not give leeway when I feel that I'm being treated unfairly. I learnt a very difficult lesson a few years back where I lost the only close friend I had, just because I chose to let her negative behaviour slide, and we all know being rewarded for bad behaviour just means they think it's alright to keep behaving the way they do.

I used to think that it was my fault. If I'm all tetchy I don't necessarily voice it out. I am rather expressionless, as many have told me means lots of room for misunderstandings. I don't know why it is I am the way I am, as I have really a lot of emotions and thoughts teeming which always feel as if I'm dying to burst out, but the rational side to me keeps everything in check. Given the familial and physical pressures I'm always under, I thought it wise for me to keep the temper in check, and to pick my battles. However I'm really feeling rather taut lately. Socializing also saps all my energy, and I think I've been doing that too much the past few weeks. 

Perhaps it's age, perhaps it's stress, weather, whatever the reason, I just don't want to keep controlling my emotions and being 'perfect' anymore. I'm sick of feeling as if I were taken for granted, and if people are expressing ungratefulness, I fucking damn well will tick them off. The more I think about it, the more it makes sense, I don't want to be anybody's punching bag, and I bloody well have to stop letting them think it's okay to treat me as one.

Also, given the person whom I confide in the most is also under a lot of pressure, I don't feel he needs to bear the brunt of my rants and ramblings, and actually, I do feel much better a lot faster if left alone to sort things out, as I have now. 

And I'm feeling all the better for it  

Thanks for reading.

There are many times I've sat down in front of the computer, started on a lengthy journal entry, vetted it and then closed the page before submitting.

Lately, I have done this more frequently.

I think I'm ready to acknowledge that some things should not remain buried. 

But, they are not secrets.

They are rotten foundations which need to be replaced. In order to do so, a lot of digging is necessary.

We are all work-in-progresses. 

Gotta love coffee.