There are several 'backburner' things that have been simmering over the past year, a few of which i've broached, like my adenomyosis/endometriosis diagnosis (painkillers/white phoenix pills to treat symptoms until I decide to go for a hysterectomy), weight issues (it seems everyone has them these days despite all the rah-rah about acceptance hurhur), Eva's bladder stone removal surgery.
There are others which i don't discuss simply because they are a little too personal and involve other people.
Which means not much emotional management in terms of rationalizing stuff. True, over-analysis is kind of 'my thing', but there's such a stigma to mental illness that makes it very trying for me to deal with whatever stupid backlash that comes with the mere hint of it. Although........
I DO NOT CARE WHAT STRANGERS THINK ABOUT MY MENTAL HEALTH. here's what I think to that:
t(-o-t) <----me yawning and flipping digits
I -do- care about how my friends and family think about how I manage it though. Never one for being 'mothered' - you'll read a little about why later - the hovering and attention bristles and annoys me. And please, don't 'pray' for me etc, I'm agnostic and loathe all the self-serving, masturbatory platitudes which just makes me rage all the more.
Will rant about my anti-religion stance another time.
*deep inhalation and exhalation*
Having to deal with depression, anxiety and sleep issues since my first suicide attempt at 16, having been told by my then-psychiatrist that I had to see a CHILD psychiatrist even though I should be seeing a 'regular' one cos my emotional age did not match up to my intellectual one, THAT still grinds at me. EVERY FUCKING YEAR. Which might be telling, 22 years later, I'm still playing with toys XD XD XD
It is usually at this time of the year where my moods take a really big dip. I struggle, with mortality, with my mother's mental illness, with the alienation - my relationship with her, it, although no longer hostile, is neutral/passive-aggressive at best, and has been for over a decade. And of course, this journal appears one day before her birthday. =eyerolls=
This year, I really do not want to put up anymore of a pretense, the cake-cutting ritual is a farce, the thought of it is making me feel extremely nauseated. However, it must be done, to maintain a semblance of sanity in the household.
I swim, throw myself into making things, managing my health, try to sleep more than 4 hrs a day, try NOT to sleep more than 16 hrs a day. Distract, delay, delude.
"Long-term plans (TM)" have been coming to my conscious part of the brain, and it's extremely frightening, since I've never thought I'd survive beyond 17 years on this planet. I'm not suicidal, haven't been for months. Which is a pretty good record for the year.
No wonder i'm so tired. Okay, I've given in and expelled a few of my negative thoughts. I hope to feel good enough to get some stuff done today.